Narcissistic Abuse Recovery in New York

Narcissistic personality disorder is the complex and pervasive inability to develop empathy, a stable sense of self, to self-reflect and take accountability for one’s own actions that has hurt others. Narcissists use those around them, often by putting them on a pedestal (love-bombing), to supply their fragile egos. When the narcissist feels criticized (narcissistic injury), grows bored, or the supply is no longer special enough, devaluation sets in. In this phase, they begin looking for new supply, but continue to cycle through phases of love-bombing and devaluation with their partner. The discard comes when the supply has been drained and is no longer a viable source to the narcissist.

People with narcissistic personality disorder often present with 5 or more specific symptoms that pervasively affect their relationships, including:

• Gradiosity and self-importance

• a sense of specialness and uniqueness

• fantasies of perfection and superiority

• need for praise, admiration, or attention

• strong sense of entitlement

• lack of empathy

• jealousy, envy, and distrust

• arrogance and scorn

• a pattern of manipulating others

• tendency to exploit others

A covert (vulnerable) narcissist avoids the spotlight but craves admiration and importance. They display some of the symptoms of a NPD, but often hide the more obvious signs. Here’s what to look for:

• is passive-aggressive

• condescending and superior

• threatened by honesty and directness

• has a public image that is drastically different from behavior at home

• dismisses and denies other’s feelings

• blames others

• is belittling and cold

• exploits or attacks other’s vulnerabilities

• avoids confrontation

• delivers insincere apologies

• conducts smear campaigns

• uses splitting; all good or all bad (black and white thinking)

Narcissistic abuse is insidious, confusing, and often terrifying. It can be difficult to know what’s happening in the relationship because the narcissist creates manipulative complexities to gain control over their victims. They can easily take over your life by taking up residence in your mind where they can control your actions, thoughts, and the very definition of you. You may feel isolated, lonely, and scared to tell anyone, fearing further manipulation, gaslighting, or doubts that you will be believed, because of the narcissist’s ability to hide behind a persona that often fools others. You may be worried about limited access to finances, fear of losing custody of your children, or losing what little support you have.

Narcissists are extemely confusing, and sometimes seem to love you, adore you, and put you on a pedestal, especially in the beginning of the relationship during the ‘love-bombing’ stage, or after a cycle of abuse. This can go on for months, years, or decades, but when they inevitably begin to feel criticized or threatened because of their fragile sense of self, they will ragefully, venomously attack with intent to destroy, and leave you questioning if they have ever loved you. These toxic, disturbing interactions chip away at you, who just wants the relationship return to the previous state of adoration and love, and leaves you in a state of confusion about what to do.

Recovery

Recovery involves identifying the narcissistic “blueprint” within your relationship to give you an objective view of the narcissistic abuse cycle. We will work on building your identity, create ways to hold a boundary that stem from self-worth and inner strength, and straighten out manipulations and gaslighting. Together, we can figure out whether you’d like to create a concrete plan to safely leave, or if you want help maneuvering the relationship while maintaining some form of contact that is good for you.

Leaving these relationships can be scary and emotionally draining, and abusive tactics don’t usually end when the relationship does. If you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, please reach out. I am an experienced psychotherapist in New York, with NPDs in my life.